TwistedHilarity

Twisted-land

2012-01-16T03:11:00.003-07:00

Hey all,
Hope you had a great New Year.

I've had a bit of a family issue the last few weeks (Murphy had to slip it in under the 2011 wire, obviously), but once again, we've picked ourselves back up, dusted everything off...and now are finally getting around to taking down the Christmas decorations.

Yes, it takes me a while. This is why I rarely decorate, because I have to put the decorations AWAY. I much prefer the lovely Heise pictures on my wall, year-round. I love those things.

Actually, since I'm still finishing up the chapter I thought I'd finish weeks ago, the least I can do is leave you with pretty picturees, right? Right. So, here's links to two of the art pieces that are in my living room:

http://heise.deviantart.com/gallery/?offset=120#/d284v34

http://heise.deviantart.com/gallery/?offset=120#/d298ag6

Enjoy. :-)

Never tempt fate

2011-11-14T23:09:00.004-07:00

I am never, EVER saying I'm back in business to write. Never. Because that seems to have declared open season on Twisted's ass.

To quote some of the greats, 'WTF BBQ, Batman?!!'

I planned a trip around my hubby's work-travel, and his work travel got completely changed, so plans out the window, had to make new ones. And then had to do it AGAIN.
My kitty got bitten by a rattlesnake just days before we're to leave on our trip (she survived, though, and is currently tormenting my other kitties). Total stress, dealing with that and trying to get ready to go. Tons of money balancing.
We get here and I have an allergic reaction to coffee in the lobby of my hotel, then react AGAIN because I STOOD NEAR A HAY MAZE and some of it BLEW on me. 0.o Seriously, WTF?!

But I'm thinking, it's okay, I just need to survive a few more days and I'll be home. I can just rest and write and enjoy. Just a bit longer.

And then the DAY before I go home, I get in a car accident. T__T

So I'm kind of down and out right now. Stuck in another state (with family, though), waiting to see if my car is reparable or is going to be junked, and kind of incapacitated due to some fun neck stuff I acquired with my joyful car issue. Nothing major serious, no one else was injured, but not easy to move around much at the moment, either. Grrr.

Fate is a big, grumpy PMS bitch, I swear. And she's obviously dating Murphy. They can BITE me.

At least I'm writing along fairly well right now, but editing is a bit harder as I am doing most of my writing lying on my back and typing without looking on my laptop. I get up for short spurts at a time, and I usually spend it playing with the kids rather than editing. :-)

Speaking of, my son is now into making zombie paper dolls. I did not ask him to do this, I swear! He's just awesome that way, same way my daughter was awesome for making chibi felt zombies. Considering they are both so young that they've never even SEEN a zombie movie, this is probably a statement as to how deeply zombies have become part of our cultural heritage in the USA.

...okay, that may be scarier than actual zombies. ^_^

And I'm Back in Business

2011-09-12T10:26:00.005-07:00

OMG - I have a computer again! It's like suddenly remembering what an orgasm is like after weeks without one. I missed it so, so much. And yeah, for those curious, I'm hunched over my computer like a little Gollum, rubbing the shiny white case and muttering 'my precious' over and over.

*cough* So I have a love/hate relationship with the thing. When it works, I love it. When it breaks, it is that evil bastard that I always knew would leave me someday and I hope it rots in hell. Although I want to call it a bitch, curiously. Suppose that's my latent lesbian tendencies coming to the fore, considering how much caressing it's getting right now.

Edit: And for those who wonder what evil befell my computer this time, it was the power button. Yeah, that's right, the power button, three months after the warranty ends. Because you don't need to build those to last or anything. They're hardly ever used, right? Frick - such a bunch of crap, I swear.

Okay, deep breath, good air in, emo-angst out. Ready to go on.

In any case, writing commences now, as fast as I can make it happen. Which, as NaNoWriMo has taught me, is about 800-900 words in 10 minutes, if I write like a crazy person and don't mind a few grammatical errors in my blitzkrieg of a first draft. Which is a good thing, 'cause sometimes 10 minutes is about all I've got these days.

Speaking of...

Since life is getting a little better this year than it was last, I believe I'm going to try for NaNoWriMo again. Hope it turns out well enough to put out...once all the other stories are done, that is. Wishing any other NaNoWriMo writers the best in their efforts this year, as well. If anyone has wanted to start a writing project and is having trouble motivating themselves to get it started, this might be something that you'd enjoy. Check it out.

Pause in updates - computer death

2011-08-25T06:24:00.003-07:00

There will be a, hopefully short, pause in updating while I get my !#$@#$@% laptop computer repaired. Again. For the millionth time....and this was my new one! 3 months after the warranty ended, and my computer completely died.

Henceforth, I shall refer to the computer company as 'those rat bastards.'

All stories have been backed up on a different drive, so nothing has been lost. Phew! However, I can't access them with the software I have on our family computer, so they're kind of stalled. If I get desperate, I may just make shit up from scratch and go from there.

And annoyingly, the software that I use to access my website is ALSO on the dead computer. I will put up freaking text alone, if I have to, dang it.

I'll post here whenever - and wherever - I put up the next updates!

And on a side note - The movie Conan: not so good movie, but a very, very good ass. And set of abs. And chest - wow. Just...wow. I think I'll buy the movie when it comes out, take a photo of certain scenes, and just blow them up to put on my walls, holy god.

TLPH

2011-07-28T14:55:00.002-07:00

Newest chapter up for TLPH: http://www.twistedhilarity.com/fiction/long/tlph/ch33.html

Wow have the last few weeks been wild. Went on an unexpected trip for 2 weeks - 8 of them as a road trip - and the vacation contained both awesome things and things that were unadulterated suck. A little nature, some cool monuments, and being around family. That was great. Lots of humidity, grumpy kids, and reacting to food in bad, bad ways. That wasn't so great.

As a result, the chapter I'd been hoping to polish up along the way was only half polished - so enjoy the chapter that's really the first half OF a chapter. We'll all pretend I meant it to be that way, yeah? ;-)

Well, this has been a bit neglected lately!

2011-05-01T11:57:00.001-07:00

Goodness this has been neglected!

Well, Chapter 32 of The Last Pure Human is now up on the website, woo hoo!

A little tension, and little fun, a little sex. Everything a growing boy (and girl) needs.

A new chapter is up at Yaoifix.com as well this week for Husbands for Peace. For anyone not familiar with this, you'll need a subscription to the site to view more than the first couple of chapters.

In other news, life is getting hot out here in Twisted Desert Land. May and June are two of our hottest months, usually. I'll be spending lots more time outside in the shade, writing as I try and finish up TLPH and get it to its conclusion. Once that's done, I'll be focusing on the other stories to get them finished as well.

For all of you with questions on where Max came from, and what's going on with the other humans, not to mention more about the Kyashin and their planet - you may have to wait for some answers. This book will be finishing up in a few more chapters, but the Human series is not finished yet. A few more books are still in the making for characters we've already met, and those who haven't even made an appearance, and some mysteries won't be solved until we're a little farther into the story.

...but really? It's probably all just an excuse to mess with Max for more than one book. He just begs for it, doesn't he? ;-)

Update on Nature's Choice

2010-07-29T21:43:00.001-07:00

It's a long chapter, a messy chapter, and a little unpolished, but it's up.

Nature's Choice, Chapter 10.

Someday, I will actually have something fully polished on the web, and the world will end.

Writing Tip: Cake and Editing

2010-06-27T10:45:00.008-07:00

For me, writing and baking a cake are a lot alike. I have to do things a certain way, in a certain order, to get my story or my cake to turn out the way I want. It took me far too long to figure out how much doing things in a certain order affected my writing. The cake? That was easy. And probably a bit tastier, too.

One of the many little details about writing that I've finally clued in to is how I need to edit. The order in which my story gets edited affects how it turns out. Hugely. I don't know if this is something that other people tend to have issue with, but if you are having some trouble editing, looking for something that might help you approach the process a different way, perhaps my methodology might spur an idea. So, I share.

I edit in the order of what I think matters in my story.

For me?
1. Character first
2. Plot
3. Setting
4. Pacing and mood/tone
5. Go back over #1-#4 again
6. Polishing the prose
7. And finally, grammar and spelling.

It's a pretty simple matter why this does it for me: this is how my mind works.

1. Character
I come up with characters first, I enjoy them, and if they don't feel real to me, the rest of the story doesn't go anywhere. So when I go to edit a chapter, I need to look over every aspect of the character. Is this how they'd really feel? Is this how they'd really act? Is this consistent with their history, their personality, their previous actions in the book? Is this the diction they'd use in their dialogue? Every aspect of them gets a once over, and typically gets changed if it's really off (and if I'm not brain dead at the time. Never a guarantee). If I work on it and can't get it to 'feel' right, then it's off to the next detail with a note to come back later, and sometimes a note to a friend who might be willing to read it and help me figure out what's wrong.

2. Plot
I'll admit it, this is a shorter edit moment for me, as I don't tend to plot much ahead of time until I'm partway through the story, or not at all until the end when I go back and look it all over. But there still needs to be moments of wondering if I have to make sure something is mentioned here so that it seems natural when it comes up later in the story. Is it heading the right way, or somewhere I don't know and have to find out later. For those who plot ahead of time, I'm sure the editing process is longer here, looking it all over to make sure details and plot are mentioned and dealt with in each chapter where they need to be.

3. Setting
This is, for me, putting in the details. I like action and inner thoughts, so I don't tend to put in as many details in the first draft, and here I need to go through and make sure people can see what's in my head. What's the room like, the people, the fight, the chair. This is the one that I have to struggle with the most, and the one I tend to feel like gets neglected more when I'm in a rush. For those who are more detail oriented, I think this step is more refining than adding the details in, making sure these details work for the tone and the mood and the perspective.

4. Pacing/mood/tone
Now that the details are added in, I've got to make sure I didn't just bog things down. I go back a few chapters of the story and start reading, so I can get into the rhythm before I hit the chapter I'm actually editing. That way, I have a better sense of how fast or slow it's going, and how fast or slow it needs to be. Is the mood/tone developing the way I think it is? Is it consistent with the previous chapter? The details, the action, everything here contributes, and it can be a real challenge to figure out what needs to be changed to pick things up or draw them out longer.

5. Going back for Round Two
Without this, it doesn't work. I've changed so much now that I need to go back and make sure the characters are still in character, that the plot is still going the right way, that there are enough details, and the pacing is working again after changing anything else that needed changing.

6. Polishing
Polishing is the icing on the cake. I get rid of clunky sentences, odd word choices, phrases that are a bit ambiguous or downright strange. I think a big mistake beginning writers can make is to try to do this too early (Been there, done that. Still do it occasionally. Neglect this shamefully if I'm in a hurry.).

Polishing up the writing before the very last is, in my opinion, like frosting the cake before it's baked. Yes, we've got the cake's recipe sorted out. The batter's been mixed and poured into the pan. But we all know there's still more to do. If we put all the swirls and piping and frosting bits on before it's done, we end up not wanting to bake the darn thing properly for fear of ruining the great job we did with the icing.

I'm sure you've all had those moments. Where you had such a great line or scene that even though it didn't actually fit into the story, you loved it too much to get rid of it. Not a good thing for our stories. We've got to be able to chop them to bits before we shine them up pretty. Although as something to help preserve my love of 'scenes that don't belong,' I personally make a file of them. I may have another story someday with a strong hero and needy villain where that scene would work perfectly. Or so I tell myself. It helps ease the pain. ;-)

7. Grammar and Spelling.
The main reason I never do grammar and spelling before the end is similar to why I don't think we should polish early. All the work makes us more reluctant to do what we need to during the rest of our edits. It's much easier to cut out three paragraphs when we haven't spent ten minutes getting the grammar and spelling just right. It's easier to chop up the story when it's not picture-perfect before time.

And let's face it, grammar is something that requires the least of you, and affects the story the least, and is something anyone can help you with. A story with bad characters or bad plotting is not one you're going to read, no matter how perfect the grammar is. And you are the only one who can figure out how to change those flaws. Grammar is something that has precise rules, and you can ask a wonderful beta to help you with it, which they can do even if you were in a coma for a month and had little to say about it, yes? It's the least amount of work during editing.

And that, my friends, is how Twisted edits...when things are going well and time is limitless. In reality, some of these steps get a little truncated and it shows.

But for anyone who is having a hard time diving into their editing this week, I really do think it can help to start the edits on what really speaks to you. If the historical period is what really gets you going, then start with the setting and description. If the plot stands out to you above the characters, start with that.

I will not mention grammar, because we all know that the grammar is not what attracted you to the story. Hopefully.

But if we do the editing right, I think we can have a tale that we are not ashamed to offer up and, well...let the readers eat cake. As long as it's the cake we just spent hours and hours slaving over and prettifying and filling with sex cream.

Which came out much, much dirtier than I meant it too.

Go me.

Of Health and Tomatoes

2010-06-26T20:49:00.004-07:00

For those who may have been wondering where I've been, there's a brief update on my more personal blog, here: Twisted's Livejournal . Just a bit more crud in the health department that is clearing up, now that we've found yet another thing I need to keep out of my mouth to stay healthy. I will be known as The Incredible Reacting Gay-Romance Writer. I need a theme song or something.

However, my health is not what today's blog is about. Health fades to an insignificant dot, since I have discovered My Tomato.

I have been attempting to grow tomatoes for the first time ever this year. The plant limps along, just barely kept alive by a rather lackadaisical watering approach and the fact that I have let it roam free in my yard to forage for itself. But yesterday, it was discovered that the first fruit had begun to ripen. A pretty yellow color already, just ripe enough for a good fried green tomato recipe, so we picked it.

Then I really looked at it, and I suddenly realized that I am NOT obsessed with food as I had been thinking these last few weeks. Food is obsessed with me...

...or at least with my writing.

Don't laugh. The only way to explain how this tomato turned out is a food's secret gay porn obsession. Really. The fact that this is the very first tomato from a plant that Twisted Hilarity has actually planted is so apropos that I think the world actually paused a moment as I saw it, to highlight the perfection of it all.

This, my friends, is my Twisted Tomato.

I am making THEME pictures out of this beautiful phallic thing, I swear to god. Actually, I took so many pictures of it, I could now fill a gallery. I'm obsessed. My breathing is impaired. And I am so tempted to get some GI Joe doll and make him do terrible things with this tomato, it's not even funny.

If this does not spawn something utterly cracked and wrong in my writing, than nothing will. ^_^

Updates on TLPH

2010-05-31T12:52:00.003-07:00

For those who don't read my other blogs, the good news is that I got a BRAND NEW LAPTOP, for FREE. Awesome-sauce with a side order of neato fries. Yes, my computer was actually such a lemon that the company replaced it, for free, with their closest model. Which happens to be BETTER than the model I had.

Like I said, awesome-sauce. This has, obviously, made me a little happier about the apple company, although I'd rather not have got the lemon in the first place.

The bad news was that, as usual, my inherent inability to comprehend computers has made adjusting to the new computer a bit of a chore. You'd think something that is nearly identical would not be a problem, but nearly and I have a rather adversarial relationship, I'm finding out.

However, I am now getting the hang of it, and to make up for the lag time since the last chapter, I'm doing a Memorial Day Special: 2 chapters for the price of one.

So, here's the updates!
The Last Pure Human, Chapter 28
The Last Pure Human, Chapter 29

Enjoy your extended weekend, fellow Americans. And everyone else, I'm really, really sorry for your Monday Blues. Reeeeally sorry.

Update on TLPH

2010-05-15T12:02:00.002-07:00

Well, update on the new chapter of TLPH: http://www.twistedhilarity.com/fiction/long/tlph/ch27.html

It's not polished, as I'm rushing to get it out before computer gets stuck in the shop again - I think the annoying thing has the hots for one of the repair guys or something, with how often it breaks!

I'll be back in circulation as soon as I get it back, or sooner, if I can snake the family computer for my own use every once in a while.

Update time

2010-05-10T19:28:00.002-07:00

And updating to Nature's Choice today. Ch 9 is up now, phew. That took a little longer, and ended up a little shorter, than desired, but I enjoyed it anyway. :-)

Updates

2010-04-30T15:13:00.003-07:00

So, it's about time I posted updates at this blog too, eh?

Ice Wind's Bride, Chapter 8, is now up on the website:
http://www.twistedhilarity.com/fiction/long/iwb/ch8.html

I'm having a bit of a computer hiccup, so italics are mysteriously absent in this chapter. They'll return soon, hopefully with an apology and a good explanation. And perhaps they'll bring along a couple friends, like good grammar, while they're at it.

Have a great weekend, ya'll!

Writing Tip: What to do when you don't feel like writing

2010-04-23T12:46:00.006-07:00

It's a problem we all run into, yes? We know we should be writing, but we're tired, unmotivated, or frustrated. Or maybe we just don't wanna. So what's a writer to do in this situation?

Answer really depends, doesn't it? If the writing is a hobby, I think there are more choices. We can give ourselves a rest, putter around a bit, figure out whether we really wanted to write this story in the first place. Or try to force ourselves to write anyway.

If the writing is a job? We get to sit down, shut up, and write, because it's our job. We don't not go out and earn money at the office because we don't feel like it this week, and writing is no different. Now, maybe we've learned how our brains work and every once in a while we NEED to take a day off. Hey, we all need our breaks during the week, right? But sometimes, we get to suck it up and write, too.

So, what are some good ways to get over that hump and get the writing out when you REALLY don't want to? Author Wil Kalif has a couple methods that I like:
http://ezinearticles.com/?How-to-Motivate-Yourself-to-Write&id=464326

I've used the carrot approach he mentions before: rewarding myself with something if I do my writing. That works sometimes, but I'll admit, most of my 'carrots' involve things I have to buy. If I don't have money, I don't have much to make a carrot with. The other carrots I'd use, like 'time to myself,' only work if I can involve someone else in the endeavor as they watch my kids for me. Again, this isn't always an option. But still, it can be used effectively, especially if that motivates you.

I'd never thought of the 'stick' approach until I read this article, but I really think it is something that works better for me. Frankly, because I tend to make the 'stick' into chores that need to be done anyway and I've been putting off, so whether I end up writing or paying a penalty for not writing, I still end up better by the end of it.

His thoughts on internal dialogue seemed as though they could be a definite help for those of us who self-defeat when we don't want to write. As my own 'not writing' moments tend to come from exhaustion or laziness, it's not as much use for me.

However, here's a few more ideas that have worked for me to get the writing started when I really don't wish to.

1. The 10 minutes sprint
This stemmed from my NaNoWriMo group a couple years back. Set a timer and simply write as much as you darn well can for ten minutes. You can't stop, you can't pause, you just write like it's a competition for how many words you can get out. The best I've done was 927 words in 10 minutes. I thought my fingers were going to fall off, the sentences ran together, and I don't even know what I was trying to say in the middle, but it didn't matter. I'd written something. I scrapped most of it, and kept a little. But I continued to write for another hour, and that's what I'd been hoping to accomplish in the first place.

2. Write Part of Your Unseen Story
This has been helpful when I look at my own writing and feel that it's exceptionally craptastic that particular day. I don't want to stop writing, but every word feels like it's dragging me under in a pile of...well, crap. So what I've done is picked an event in one of the character's lives and write about that instead. This is not something I plan to put into the story, or to ever let anyone see. It's simply to bring a little fullness to that character, and their life, in my head. It often helps me relax because I know it doesn't matter how bad it is. And it tends to improve my understanding of the character, and often make me want to write more about the story, as a result.

3. Go on a Walk
Yeah, so it's a bit simple, but this is a walk with a purpose. Step out, walk in a place that works for you, whether that's your own living room, a busy street or a country lane, and think about your story as you walk. Let your mind drift, play around with plots in your head, just let your body move as your brain works on it. Walking, or any light exercise, seems to be very beneficial to revving up your thinking. Might as well use that for our stories, eh?

As a side note, if you have a problem you're trying to solve in your story, you might want to consider walking BACKWARD to think about it. This one is based on a study. No really. Check it out: http://articles.sfgate.com/2009-05-08/news/17199624_1_backward-focus-on-relevant-information-avoidance-actions

In the end, I suppose...I'd better stop writing this blog post rather than using it as an excuse not to sit down, shut up, and write my next chapter. ^_^ Good luck to the rest of your with your stories, as well!

The concept of 'Genre'

2010-04-16T10:24:00.005-07:00

I like to be able to find stories that I want to read, like everyone else who reads fiction, I imagine. If I'm in the mood for a fantasy, I want to be able to find it. Or a paranormal story, a romance, a mystery, or even a western...I'm kind of living the latter, so I'm not as interested in those, I'll admit. But as someone who very much enjoys these stories with a gay twist, I've been running into an issue lately with e-publishers.

They don't classify things the way my mind does.

For e-publishers who specialize in stories with gay main characters, it's easy. Every story has characters with the sexual orientation I'm interested in, so I just need to look in the correct genre, problem solved. I browse their fantasy section, and there you go, a story with gay elves, right up front.

And note, I avoided the 'fairy' pun because that would just be silly. I swear, I ever write a story with a gay fairy, that dude is gonna be 7 feet tall and able to kick everyone's ass, seriously. Because the Sidhe are scary bastards. Hey, my mom's Irish, we learn to fear the fairy, eh?

Ahem, where was I? Oh, yes...classification. Here's the problem...or perhaps, maybe I should say, here's my question to e-publishers:What does a character's sexual orientation have to do with the genre of a story, in terms of plot and conventions?

Answer: nothing what-so-freaking-ever

Which always makes it a surprise, to me, that 'gay and lesbian' or GLBT is listed alongside other genres, situated with others like Sci-fi, fantasy, erotica, and romance. Somehow, I hear that song 'one of these things is not like the other' running through my head.

The other genres tell me what kind of story I'm getting. Swashbuckling, robots, romantic situations, etc... The gay category tells me NOTHING about the plot. If we were going to classify stories in a category like 'GLBT,' we should be consistent. Which means we stop looking at a genre of fiction and start categorizing by character.

The list of titles would be put into categories like this: nerdy straight ex-con, pissed-off bi-sexual biker chick, sword fighting gay narcissist, and hot bi-curious electrician.

Because that's all the gay is, wouldn't you agree? It's talking about a characteristic of a 'character,' not saying anything at all about the story itself. Now don't get me wrong, I'm HAPPY that more publishers are realizing that people LIKE to read about good characters, regardless of their sexual orientation. And sometimes because of it. *uh...raises hand as guilty for that one*

I like the fact that enough books are published for there to BE a GLBT category now in a lot of publishing houses. What I would love to see, however, is for a few more publishers to, say, expand their categorization, just a little bit, to add to our convenience. We can go to the sci-fi genre, and underneath, we could find gay sexuality, het sexuality, violence, angst, erotica, or whatever might help.

I know this is a bit more work on the publishers side of things. But in the world of the web, anything that helps a person find what they want, faster, is going to be good for business, too. If I only have to spend 60 seconds finding a fantasy with gay main characters that has romance, I'm much more likely to buy it than if I wasted five minutes hunting through pages and pages of titles in the 'gay' section.

So please, e-publishers, remember that while we love the characters in the stories we read, it's awfully hard to search for stories by 'character' and nothing else. Please, help a reader out: put in some multiple categories to search by. We'd all appreciate it. Thanks.

It's a good day not to die

2010-04-05T23:29:00.006-07:00

Today is a good day. Really. A great day. And why, you may ask?

I ate salmon. And it was awesome.

You may have noticed I've been having a bit of a food theme in my blogging lately. It's on my mind a lot. The last 8 months have found me losing about 55 pounds, along with all my foods but 7. It's due to some surprise food issues that cropped up suddenly and nastily. Eating a 'bad' food now can sometimes result in my throat trying swell itself shut, which really kind of puts a crimp in your whole day.

But I have food I can eat, and it's not terrible food, so I can hack it. It simply puts a bit of a different perspective on the role food plays in my life, is all.

However, I seriously cannot even express how strange it is to eat the same 7 foods every single day for months at a time, and then suddenly get to have a new food. Some of you are likely familiar with this phenomenon, from various diets or fasting or MRE's. I wasn't. And it's like...well... it's like...

Let me put it this way. If you ever see some skinny bitch sitting outside a restaurant who eats a bit of food and then moans 'oh my GAWD' over and over in near-orgasmic bliss? That would be me eating the salmon. Or anything else I actually get to try next.

Seriously, not exaggerating. I think my husband was on the verge of asking me and my salmon to get a room.

I almost did, too. >_<

Instead, I finished my salmon and sat down to write down the experience like any good little writer gal would. Because it's different, and new to me, and every little thing we experience is simply so useful for a writer, isn't it? And often in the most unexpected ways.

The whole vampire liquid diet thing, for example. Just the other day, it occurred to me that I could take a look at going vamp in a totally new way. What would it feel like to lose the ability to eat food? I feel like I have the answer to that down to a visceral level.

It's kind of a cool bit of knowledge to have access to, when you look at it that way. And I'm so curious what else there is to get out of this entire experience. I guess I'll find out.

Here's wishing you some interesting and not too painful experiences that can help you and your writing and life, too!

Cornflake, know thyself

2010-03-09T11:56:00.007-07:00

I am a card-carrying flake. It's kind of like being a marine: it's not just a job, it's an adventure.

Really, it is.

--As a flake, I regularly park my car and forget where in the world it is. This typically results in 'the great hunt for the car,' which oddly resembles something like a quest in an old fable, with little old ladies giving advice, strange creatures swooping overhead in the (asphalt) forest, and feasting and rejoicing at the end.

--As a flake, I don't get a lot of jokes immediately. I tend to believe this is because I have a brain that is not fully functional in real time. More often than not, my critical thinking doesn't come into play for at least a minute after a conversation has already happened. So when, say, I'm chatting with a barber and he says, 'don't mind me, I'm deaf in one ear and can't hear out of the other,' do you know what I say?

"Oh, dear, I'm so sorry to hear that!"

And one minute later I'm hitting myself in the forehead as critical thinking analyzes that statement and whispers, 'hey, cornflake, that was a joke!' And the above example? That really happened. Poor man thought I was absolutely mental.

-- As a flake, I am pretty much guaranteed to forget people's names, regardless of how long I have known them. I have, at various times, forgotten the names of my husband, my kids, my best friends, my boss, every human being I have ever spoken to on the web, everyone I ever met, and the names of every character, band, and book title I've ever heard of. Have you ever tried to introduce someone to your best friend and you not only forget the new person's name, but your best friend's as well? Definitely an adventure, just not the fun kind. I love meeting people, and talking with people, and commiserating and sharing and just plain bitching. And when you can't remember someone's name, no matter how much of a wonderful time you had with them, it's hard for them to believe that you really enjoyed their company at all. Which, to put it bluntly, sucks all around.

It's taken me a while to accept my flakiness. I have tried to overcome it, to change it, to improve myself and eliminate it, all to no avail. My flake-i-tude seems to be here forever. All my close friends and family accepted it years ago and are kind enough not to mock me too much for it. Although I may have earned the nickname 'Cornflake' among my fellow writing buddies.

But I'm very grateful they have come to realize that my complete inability to remember jack shit is totally unrelated to how much I care about them and enjoy being with them. Thank god. I'd have no friends left if they weren't so kind!

That said... there is one thing in my life that is oddly non-flaky: stories.

I adore stories, always have. I love reading them, watching them, writing them, hearing about them second-hand. I adore storytelling, especially when romance is involved. And after all these years, I believe I have figured out where my flakiness comes from.

My brain thinks life is a story, too. One that is not quite finished yet, so you don't need all the pesky little stuff in there. So it remembers the details that are important to the story, and tosses the rest. Do heroes need to remember where their cars are parked? No. Do we care what the names of all the people our hero meets are? No. Do we need to know that oxygen is the most likely gas for an atmosphere that supports life because of how it forms bonds with other molecules?

Hmmmm, Maybe. And see...I remember that one, even though it came from just one darn paragraph in a chemistry text book I read over ten years ago. That's because it might affect plot...so my brain remembers that one (And as an aside...methane is the next most likely gas. Neat, huh?).

Yes, I'm a geek flake. A romantic geek flake. Life is weird that way.

So, what does this have to do with yaoi or writing or any such thing? Self-knowledge.

In my life, I pay attention to people's characteristics and backgrounds and emotions rather than their names, to romances going on around me, to the idea of 'going to the store' rather than 'where the hell is my car.'

In my writing, I've begun to notice that I do the same damn things. I like writing the characters, and the romances. I feel like that's something that comes much more naturally to me. The details? I tend to forget those, especially on a first draft. What color is that horse? No clue. Are my heroes in a forest or a jungle? Uh, forgot to figure that out yet. And where the hell is their car? Really, no freaking idea. What color was it again?

I have a friend who is opposite myself in many ways. That woman is a real detail person, and when she writes, I notice a lot of physical details crop up in her stories, too. That's her strength. Her settings and descriptions are always so beautifully vivid, sometimes enough to give me raging cases of inadequacy. I love her anyway. :-)

I already felt comfortable about my strengths. Accepting my flake-hood helps me remember that I'll need to go back and enter in more physical detail and plot points, for example. Or that I need to make a file to keep track of said details (eye color, height, scent).

So I would suggest, for any beginning writers looking to figure out what to improve next in their writing? Taking a look at yourself and what you focus on in your life might give you some ideas about where to start. And even if they don't, hey, always nice to take some time to get to know yourself a little better, eh?

Happy reading and writing, everyone!

Writing Tip: Doughnuts and Discovering Character

2010-02-22T13:27:00.006-07:00

It's the beginning of the story, the scene's in your head, and all of a sudden, you hit a snag.

What would your hero do when a stranger gropes his ass and offers him a doughnut at the same time?

All right, so perhaps that's not what happens in your particular story. But for a lot of us, there will come a time in our story when we're not entirely sure how our characters would react. Would our hero take the doughnut and remove the hand? Take the doughnut and the hand both? Throw the other man down and use the doughnut as a cock ring?

It's a real conundrum.

Usually, a bit of thought, or a few false starts, will get you through this. But sometimes it can go on for days. The story stalls as you try, and try again, and still feel like your character is beyond your ability to fully comprehend.

When that happens? Try this.

Take him shopping.

Go to an on-line store, a mall in real life, a market, anything that has a lot of items. Then ask yourself a series of questions about the character and their interaction with the goods you see. The questions can be anything that you think will help reveal part of his character to you, but here's a few ideas.

1. What item would your character desperately want to buy?
2. What item would your character rather die than bring back to his house?
3. What item would your character want, but never admit wanting, to anyone?
4. What item would your character need, but not even admit to himself?

The author Jill Knowles suggested the above concept to me, along with a lot of the questions I've used. I'll admit, I've only used it a few times, but it's been very useful when I have.

Another way to get to know your character?

Explore their personal information.

Not the information you already know, or even the traits you plan to put in the story. I'm talking about the little, trivial crap that no one would even want to read about. The stuff that sits in your brain once you know it and pops out at odd moments in the story when you least expect it. Some examples?

Body - Favorite body part on HIS body. Most hated body part. Traits like allergies, freckles, moles, old injuries and scars, the way his dick curves a little to the left.

Likes and dislikes - Favorites and most hated in music, entertainment, accents, countries, morals, food, drink, morning-after scenarios, pets, political parties.

Childhood - Pets, family, friends, humiliating and exhilerating moments, education, attempts at hair cutting and sheep shearing.

Sex - position favs and dislikes, first time, last time, frequency, payment method, experimentation, reputation.

Housing - address, style of furniture, decorating scheme, lighting, country or city.

You can only imagine how long you can make this list, eh? But often, it just takes a few items on a list like this to get your brain energized, immersed more fully in the character as you make up the small scar on his left knee from the time Billy Bob tripped him in the school yard.

And the scar on his right knuckle from when he punched Billy Bob in the mouth and hit a tooth.

As always, I think what works is a very individual thing, but hopefully, the above methods may resonate for some of you and help you with a rut or two of your own. :-)

Writing Tip: Beets and Writer's Block

2010-01-15T23:10:00.006-07:00

Most authors get writers block at some point in time. I'll admit, I'm still waiting for my first case, because I can't shut up to save my life and that seems to apply to my writing as well as my mouth. But I expect it'll happen eventually. And when it does...it's nice to be ready.

So for all you writers who've been blocked, have you ever tried to take an object - any object - and imagined it in your blocked story? I mean, you simply glanced at the last sentence you wrote, copied it over onto a new sheet of paper (or word document) and popped an object into the next sentence.

Say, a beet.

Because beets are weird. They are so virulently pink that they look like something a mad scientist cooked up in his lab on a bad day when the cocaine supplies were low so he just picked a random magic mushroom to inhale. You can't deny it: beets are funky and crazy and just the teensiest bit disturbing.

But hey, in my opinion...anything that's weird and funky and disturbing has amazing potential for humor. Seriously. It's the unexpected. What could be more unexpected in a story than a beet? Or even better, a beet in the middle of a living room floor when a gay couple walks in from a hard day at work in the financial district.

How'd it get there? Neither of these two eat beets - in fact, one of the men doesn't even know what the hell a beet is, other than purple jelly from a can at Thanksgiving (yes, I'm pulling this out of the air as I speak. Just go with it.).

So...having a beet on the floor might be a little disturbing. You might have to check for intruders, or secret beet porn actors. Or a beet stalking cat who left it for you as a little present. And you'd at the very least put the beet up on the counter until you figured out what to do with it.

Then comes the next day, home from work as usual, and now there's one beet missing from the counter, and three beets on the floor. What would happen?

Could be, you look at the story and think: how the hell should I know? This is a freaking beet. What's it got to do with anything?

And maybe that's all you'll need to get over your block: annoyance over some irritating woman and her beet, wasting your time. Now you'll head back to sane-land and go write something that actually matters in your story.

Or maybe you'll keep the beet and just run with it. Like this-

"Well, there's one mystery solved."

"Huh?"

"It wasn't a gay beet."

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"Well just look - there's three now. One was obviously a breeder."

Writer's block solved, all because of a beet.

But not a gay beet. I expect the little beet son is gay, though, or we wouldn't be reading about him on my blog, eh?

However, in all seriousness, if you're ever in a writing rut, something random like the beet can totally jump start things. It doesn't even need to be something that stays in the story, just something that gets the creative - possibly oddball - juices flowing. Or makes you wish you could write about your story instead of the stupid beets, and so it motivates that way. Whatever works!

Of course, there's danger down this road as well. If you don't stop yourself, soon you'll be thinking of beets more than you should. Like I just did. Sitting here contemplating male beets and wondering what, exactly, would be a beet's 'junk.' The twisty bit at the tip? Or the big, loooong green bit at the top?

Thoughts like these are a sign that the beet has outlived its welcome. Time to go, before it starts fornicating with the cauliflower.

And don't try to imagine that. Really. The image will haunt you. Forever. Rather like the beet, now.

The Holidays

2009-12-26T23:14:00.004-07:00

I would love to have something deep to say about the holiday season. Something soul inspiring and beautiful and not too sappy.

Sadly, I don't got it. Mostly because I'm too sappy to come up with anything not sappy.

So here's all I'll say: please, take a moment out of your life today and enjoy it. Any moment. A moment where you're taking a shower, eating a piece of fudge, warming your hands under a faucet, reading about two men in love, hugging your husband or wife or child or parent. Just really be there and revel in being alive, in being where and what and who you are, yes?

That's my goal for this year: remembering to enjoy these little moments. Just one moment, every day, even if it's something as small as eating enough food to rid myself of hunger pangs. Or finishing the chapter of a story. Or seeing two people in love, holding hands as they walk in front of me on the sidewalk.

Really, those are the moments I WANT to remember, down the road, I think.

So here's wishing you all some extra joy in your life. Have a great holiday, ya'll.

Sweet Potatoes and Yaoi Con 2009

2009-10-13T09:04:00.007-07:00

There's nothing all that interesting about a sweet potato. It doesn't have the same perverted clout among yaoi fanboys and girls as, say, corn. Or cucumbers. It's rather lumpy and dusty, like a squashed potato. And it's primary function seems to be a dessert that doesn't taste as good as real desserts, like brownies, cake, and peanut-butter cup ice cream.

That would have summed up my thoughts on sweet potatoes about three months ago. Now, however...sweet potatoes are amazing. They are sweet and rich and eating mashed sweet potatoes gives me a little orgasmic bliss that is almost as good as rereading Fake and squirming happily over the parts that push my 'weeeeeee' button.

Seems rather strange, doesn't it?

Not, however, if you've been living in my skin the past few months. I have found out that I can't eat gluten (wheat, essentially). And the first thought that goes through your head when you find out you can't have wheat - if you're me - is...what about brownies??

A girl needs brownies to live. Brownies, laughter, yaoi...and more brownies. Maybe yaoi would have qualified twice in my previous life, but that was before my brownies were put in jeaopordy. After that, brownies became a number one concern.

Finding out that there are 'gluten free' brownies made my entire year, until I had a butt-load of allergy tests, and found out...I'm allergic to everything that is in gluten free brownies. In fact, right now, I'm reacting to pretty much everything that is in everything. Including sugar. That's right, I'm allergic to sugar.

Remember that last post? About going to hell? Finding out you're allergic to sugar...well, I think I'm there. And I can tell you...hell pretty much sucks.

Although there does still seem to be a metric ton of yaoi here, so it ain't all bad.

After you lose sugar, fruit starts looking a lot better than usual. Until you find out you can't eat most of the fruit either. In fact, I still haven't found any fruit I can have (I have a list of some to try and eat, but it takes a while when you have to wait a few days to eat a new food).

So...it has been about 1 1/2 months since I have had sugar or fruit. I can't remember what sugar tastes like, except in these feverish dreams that tend to involve naked men and frosting. A pretty good way to fantasize about sweets, all things considered.

And that brings me back around to sweet potatoes, because right now? Best. Food. Ever. It's SWEET. After this long without sugar, it is really sweet! I just had breakfast where all I ate was sweet potatoes, and I nearly moaned out loud it was so damned good.

Yes, I would have mocked these things months ago, but I have been brought round to the sweet potato way of life. Even found these organic ones that are rather cute...about a quarter the size of the sweet potatoes I'm used to. Tiny.

And the second this thought popped into my head, my next thought after is...are these small enough to fit in someone's ass? So...obviously, I am still healthy enough for my brain to hold on tightly to all perversions left to it. ^_^

This is a good thing, considering that it's less than a month until YAOI CON 2009. I need to have a proper lascivious mindset built up. The con might not be perfect, but it's one of the few places I can go to meet fellow yaoi fans and those who understand that it doesn't fucking matter what gender you're in love with. It's the love that's important.

Yes, the sex is hot, too, but I'm in it for the love. Stop laughing, I really am! Again, the sex is reeeeally hot, but I don't enjoy it much if the love ain't there.

And this year, just to make me seem like a liar, I'm doing a panel at Yaoi-Con: 'Sex is Always Better with Five'. Yeah, it's on writing sex scenes. It'll be fun, though! Anyone who's heading out to Yaoi con, feel free to stop by and say hello. It's on Saturday, Oct. 31, at 11 a.m, in Panel B (connect 3). Do not ask me what that means. I am just reporting the place as I've been told, LOL.

You'll find out I'm just as much as a spaz as I seem on screen. Just less coherent and with a few more blushes. ^_^

In all seriousness, though, I'm always happy to meet new people. I have terrible memory for names, but that doesn't stop me! And also, I wanted to give my apologies for those waiting for my stories. It's been quite a while since I've been healthy enough to update them on a timely schedule, and all the food issues, while on the path to clear up my health eventually, have not been helping.

Although it is giving me periodic perverted ideas which will likely be in a story someday.

For right now, however, I am doing my best to get it together and get some chapters up, ASAP!

Right after I finish eating some more sweet potatoes.

Going to Hell

2009-06-18T20:10:00.002-07:00

So, my friend Jess and I were talking the other day, and it happened. One of us started talking, the other one started teasing, and before you know it, we thought up one of those topics.

You know the ones I mean. Those thoughts that you know you shouldn't have, but you simply can't stop, and suddenly you realize: you're going to hell.

So what were we talking about, you might wonder? It could have been something that started with the topic of dogs that talk and rainbow birds, or smoking in parking lots. I believe slugs and manporn were involved as well, though not, surprisingly, zombies. And then there was possibly talk of leprechauns and yogurt.

So what did we think up that will send us to hades? I don't believe I'll say. You know why? Because you'll sit there and think, 'leprechauns and yogurt? What bad thoughts could that spawn?'

Or porn and slugs? What could that set off in a properly twisted mind?

You'll think and you'll think, and finally, you'll believe you have it. You've discovered what evil, devious thoughts were on Jess's and my minds.

And guess what?

Now you're going to hell. :-D

See ya there!

Iowa and Y-con

2009-05-15T23:47:00.004-07:00

Did you know that Iowa is flat? I mean, really flat. Scary flat. For someone who has been surrounded by mountains no matter where I've lived, it's like an agoraphobic acid trip. If agoraphobics dropped acid, that is. And if I actually knew what an acid trip was like, which I don't, because I was the biggest goody two-shoes you ever saw in my youth.

Not only didn't I inhale, I never even saw a joint.

Don't worry, though, I'm making up for it in gay porn. Kind of a 'conservation of sin' sort of deal. And I'm happy to say that my children are carrying the 'sinful' gay torch to scary-flatter than roadkill-Iowa.

Because as we're visiting my husband's fuckton of Iowa relatives, what are my children doing? They are holding court among the conservative, catholic cousins, and telling them all about violence to gay teens, and how awful it is, and how downright moronic it is to hate someone just because they 'fell in love' with someone of the same sex.

I love my little pre-teen activists, ha. Although I don't think we're gonna be invited to any family reunions any time soon!

Good thing, too. If I had to travel too much, it might eat up my 'going to yaoi con' fund! I can't believe it's that time again already, when my little mind is occupied with dreams of yaoi. And penises...although those dreams tend to come more often than I should probably admit to in a court of law.

I will, of course, share the goodness with all those who aren't able to attend and are wondering what in the world I see in the darn thing (Here's a hint: Many beautiful men, and not enough clothing to go around.). And if all goes well, I will finally put up the picture of penises before the con.

Yes, you heard me. The pictures of the penis paper from LAST con aren't up yet. Just remember, this is me, here. A computer, a digital camera, and me, Computer's Bane.

It's taken me this long to have every piece of equipment working, and then working together. But now all I need is some time to take the pictures, and it's penises, penises, as far as the eye can see. Seriously. The paper roll is probably longer than my house. It's gonna take forever to capture all of this on digital camera...film stuff.

But it'll be worth it.

It's beginning to feel a lot like Gremlins

2008-12-24T15:27:00.005-07:00

I believe in gremlins. Truly. Airplane gremlins, garden hose gremlins, apple tree gremlins, and most especially evil, sneaky-ass computer gremlins, who creep in at night to switch parts inside of my computer so that I can press the 'on' button and make it explode in some virtual manner that - and I quote - the computer geniuses have 'never seen before.'

There's only so many times one can hear that phrase before you start to believe in either curses or computer gremlins. Not that those around me are true believers, not yet. They still have some foolish idea that all my computer issues are related to something that I did. How silly. Computer gremlins is a much more logical explanation, don't you think?

I now take pictures. My computer dies, I take pictures of its death throws, and then when I take the computer to the gurus, I can show them my photo evidence so they know that even if it is currently behaving normally, my computer is actually carrying a demon seed of doom inside of it, just waiting to get out.

I believe that demon seed may have spawned concussion gremlins in my own home, actually. I cannot think of any other explanation for the string of concussions that have attacked me recently: three in the past two months. I feel like I need to start wearing a helmet and a sign - Please do not poke. Head may explode.

My friend's hubby has offered to buy me water wings so that I can eat my soup without fear of drowning.

Well, at least when the computer gremlins and concussion gremlins collude, I don't have to worry about the screen setting up a seizure or something, eh? No, instead, I get to rediscover the reason I love computers: my handwriting sucks. Oh, does it suck.

If my handwriting were a whore, it could retire on the money it would make on blow-jobs, I swear.

Fortunately for me, my computer has now been temporarily purged of its gremlin infestation and seems to be working for the moment. My head is recovering from the ladder dropped on it(C'mon, doesn't that SOUND like a gremlin? You know it does! ). And now I get to celebrate my holidays by lounging around recovering while my husband has to cook and clean and watch the kids on his vacation.

It makes me wonder if I could hire out these gremlins to a few other deserving moms and employees with too much to do. A new money making scheme to help us get by in this economy: rent-a-gremlin. Want a little time to rest? Rent-a-gremlin can guarantee you'll be flat on your ass within minutes. No money back guarantee.

But don't piss them off or they'll pee in your Christmas cake, the little buggers.

Have a great Holiday, everyone. Hope you are safe, happy, employed, and enjoying the company of friends or family this time of year!

Yaoi Con, A Plethora of Penises, and Soap

2008-10-05T13:11:00.005-07:00

The above soap was purchased at a little store in Japantown. I went there for bento boxes, saw the soap, and started laughing hysterically because all that I could think of was this:

Keep getting topped by your bottom? Not sure if your chosen target is clueless enough to fall for your seduction? Try our new soap! Just drop this in the shower and see who bends over! Guaranteed to find you an innocent uke, every time.

Oh dear god, it still makes me laugh like a loon, no matter how silly it is.

Now, as to what I was doing before Japantown and my newly discovered soap obsession? Attending Yaoi con for the fist time. Yaoi con - the land of guitar-playing, half-naked catboys and their stripping friends. I kid you not. I even have access to internet-friendly proof, as a sweet gal I know managed to get some interesting footage.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PSMb6EBCQEI

Childish and perverted fun abounded, as you can see. And as with all things yaoi, I went on a roadtrip with Jessjess to get there. No zombies this time, more's the pity (Although a zombie penis did come into the picture. More on that later.). Singing for almost the entire drive really did a number on our throats. Since you weren't able to join us in our automotive experience, however, here's a small taste. (it's like you were really there, minus the numb butt cheeks).

It's OK2B Gay - Oh, like you don't know why we picked this one?

I don't wanna show off no more - solely because of this video

The chocolate song - 'cause we LIKE chocolate

CaramellDansen - because of THIS puppy. We even did the dance.

The last Saskatchewan Pirate - because everyone needs a pirate song

Just elongate this to about 18 hours, add in a few crunchy snacks, and you'll have a pretty good idea of what it was like to be in our gas-conscious rental car.

As for the con itself? It was interesting. Costumes galore, including boys in short skirts and tight-clothing who looked much better in them than I ever would. Sales of japanese manga,all things Naruto, ball-joint dolls, cat ears, and everything yaoi and anime I can think of. Panels on topics both serious and silly, from the male perspective on yaoi to yaoi mad-libs.

And the penises. Note the title: a Plethora of Penises. That's because at the y-gal meet-up, Forchan thought we should collect a horde of penises (it finally got whittled down to 900 penises). She had the crayons and pencils. And who had the giant roll of paper?

Yup, you got it. Me and Jessjess.

So what did Jessjess and I do for most of the con? We went around with our giant roll of paper, collecting penis drawings. We even had a few of the con guests contributing. Most of the bishounen running around the con added their art to the endeavor. Artists of all styles and abilities added a penor for the cause.

The final count is still unknown, as I'm slowly trying to add them up.

Think of a paper that unrolls for probably about 15 yards, filled with penises in all shapes and sizes, and then imagine trying to unroll it in a house with kids, without being seen. It's a slow -and very, very careful - process. When it's all counted, I'll be putting up pictures of them all, on-line, because it was probably the most childish endeavor I've ever done, and it was also ridiculously fun. We met a ton of people, even had a few help us flag down other people to come and sign their phallic signatures, one of which was - I told you there would be more on this - a zombie penis with a bite out of it.

I can't escape the yaoi/zombie connection. Looks like I better start stocking up on the twinkies. And if you don't know why, it's because zombies hate twinkies. They hate rainbows and unicorn princesses, too. That's why when the world ends from zombification, it'll be the zombies, the cockroaches, and the frilly little girls who make it. I think I might be more frightened of the roaming bands of girly-girls than I would of the zombies. And considering my daughter's love of all thinks pink and lacy, I speak from experience.

Beware the frills.

Bewaaaare.

Secret Society of the Computer Inept

2008-09-12T10:06:00.003-07:00

Yesterday, I was startled by the sound of my sweet, geeky, computer-guru husband laughing hysterically in our bedroom. It didn't take long for him to come and show me what had made him laugh so hard it gave him stomach cramps.

This comic: http://www.penny-arcade.com/comic/2008/9/3

And what does he say when he shows it to me?

I saw this, and all I could think of was you, honey.

Thanks, dear. And no chortling allowed over the fact that I own both a box of crayons and an abacus at this precise moment in time. It's nothing but a cruel coincidence.

There is a shining light in the dark truth of this comic, however (aside from the gut-busting humor involved). It's a reminder that we computer idiots have a connection. You might think we're all alone in our oblivious world, but no! We think and act against computers as one mind. Did I not say in my very first blog that we would save the world someday? Didn't I?!

You thought I was simply a computer idiot spouting my foolishness to the internet, but now, now you can see that I am not alone. This highlights a little known fact: not only are we anti-computer geeks your future saviors, we are organized. Knowing our duty to humanity, we have slowly been banding together. Most of us have actually been initiated into the Blue Screen Avengers - a secret society that was started at the dawn of the computer age to prepare for the day when those overly logical, micro-chip carrying bastards would try to topple their masters.

Every meeting opens with a clip of the first Terminator being crushed to death by a hydraulic press, mostly to remind us that we need to figure out how to kill one of those suckers in ways that won't require us to use any computers whatsoever, including the damn hydraulic press.

For some reason, it grinds to a screeching halt whenever one of our members tries to start it up. Never fear, though, we're working on a viable solution. So far, the most promising one involves a key lime pie, mittens, and a salt water enema.

Don't ask.

Really, don't. The computers might hear you. So simply go about your business and enjoy your life, safe in the knowledge that your future is secure from AI machines coming after your ass in ways too gruesome to mention in mixed company.

The Blue Screen Avengers will be there to save the day, so long as you don't have a computer lock on your house that we need to get through in order to save you.

Another Yaoi Day, Another Yaoi Dollar

2008-08-02T08:52:00.003-07:00

Yaoi Day was yesterday!

For those who don't know what the heck this holiday is, I'll briefly fill you in. The Japanese have practically made an art out of making up holidays. Not official ones, simply holidays that we regular folk might like to play around with.

One of these is August 1st: 'Yaoi Day.' It's all in the numbers. The kanji for 8 can be pronounced as 'ya' in the right circumstances. 0 can be said as 'oh,' like two-oh-nine for 209. And while 1 is pronounced 'ichi,' it's shortened for the purposes of the joke. Ya. o. i. 801, which is slang for yaoi in japan anyway.

I'm sure you can make the jump to 8/01 right?

Now, I have to be honest with you. I only discovered this holiday existed half-way through the day in question when Magnetic_Rose at aarinfantasy mentioned it on the forum. As a good yaoi fan, however, I celebrated the hell out of it in the limited time left to my uninformed, fangirl self. I finished editing a chapter of The Last Pure Human, I looked at manga, and I even got a little Yaoi Day present, as it were.

Fanart.

There is nothing that makes a writer's heart go pitty-pat like something created for them by a fan of their story. Yes, getting a million dollar book deal might affect the heart, too - I've heard that particular occurrence makes more of a thundering rattle, like a stampede. - but it's not the same thing. A book deal is about money and pride and buying a new corvette (a matchbox one, if you're at my level of literary stardom). But fanart, or fanficton? That's all about the love, baby.

I cannot describe what a wonderful feeling it is to receive that kind of, well, honor. Someone enjoyed what I created so much that it inspired something creative in them. What a fantastic, amazing thing to know. Whether it was a character, a scene, a world, or an entire story, it's damn well magic to realize that all that effort I put into my little romances made a difference for someone.

Yeah, sometimes it's just a momentary difference. Just a second's worth of inspiration. Who cares? I love stories myself for so many reasons, and one of the biggest is that a great story makes me feel good. I love the lift to my mood that a romantic or humorous scene can give me, and to know that I was able to give someone else that lift, even for only a little bit, is frickin' awesome!

No, I'm not suffering from sudden-onset Valley-Girl. This type of feeling simply requires bold words to describe it and all the giddy, beaming-like-a-loon idiocy that it creates in me.

Frickin'. Awesome. The type of awesome that needs a hot young surfer boy punching the air as he yells it out at the top of his lungs. Not just awesome. Frickin' awesome, dude.*

I find it so appropriate that the fanart I received on Yaoi Day was NC-17. Not that I don't enjoy more vanilla flavored art. That never fails to makes me school-girl giddy and charged up. Knowing that they were motivated always motivates me to write more. Smut fanworks, however, tend to do something a little different. I inspired something adult rated in someone else, and they in turn inspire a good buzz for my next sex scene. That's always a nice thing to have available: packaged arousal.

I couldn't have asked for a better ending for my Yaoi Day.

Here's hoping yours was just as much fun!

*I have California roots. I'm allowed to punctuate my speech with random exclamations of 'dude' and 'gag me with a spoon.' It might even be required to stay on the 'Descendent of a Californian' registry. I'll get back to you on that.*

Sick of Being Sick

2008-07-16T14:35:00.005-07:00

I have a cold. Or a flu. Either way, feels like crap.

However, it does bring up a point that has always bothered me. Did you ever notice how utterly mundane sounding the word 'cold' actually is? "I caught a cold" is not a phrase that elicits the same awed murmurs that "I fought off a school of sharks armed only with a spork and a packet of mustard" does. And is it any wonder? Sporks are awe inspiring; it's a fact of nature.

Colds, on the other hand, are not, through no fault of their own. They've simply been misnamed. The word 'cold' does not, in any way, adequately describe these diseases' actual presence in our lives. Think about it. You call in sick to work with a 'cold,' and half your c0-workers are simply irritated you're not there. You call in sick to work with the 'hacking, sneezing, death-by-mucus disease,' and not only are they suddenly impressed, they don't want you coming in to work for the next two weeks.

I have had, sadly, more than my fair share of 'death-by-mucus' diseases this last year. I feel like I should become a gold 'cold' card-carrying member - like typhoid Mary, but rather than a harbinger of death, I'm just a harbinger of nasal irritation and annoying coughs.

I don't blame my body; it's trying its best, really.

Really. I caught a rather odd illness a couple years back, had a rare complication, and it'll take my body a few years to be back in fighting form. Until then, I get all the annoying, pitiful, wannabe illnesses that float around town. Another one seems to have taken up residence in my rather chubby excuse for a body this week. Urg.

Ahem. Considering my last post, I suppose I should say that my current feverish bundle of bleh is not zombie related.

Although if it was, would I really tell you? Of course not. I'd let my legion of zombie minions do that for me. And speaking of that, it just makes you wonder just how long it would take to convert a zombie legion of minions, doesn't it? A week? A month?

And how would you do it? Bite 'em? Wonder how many zombies get TMJ that way. Their dentists have to tell them: hold off on the legion building for a while, okay? Just let your jaw rest a little. We'll all be here for you to zombify later. A week or two won't kill you...more. Aheh...well, you know what I mean. Uh, wait, I was just...aaaaaagh!

And there you'd have another member of the legion. Probably why there's not a lot of zombie dentists: it's a dying profession.

You just know this is gonna eventually lead to my brain coming up with a zombie story. Terrifying: a Twisted Zombie. I am actually a little scared at what my mind would come up with. I'm sure I'll find out soon enough.

Yaoi Jamboree and Zombies

2008-06-26T15:17:00.003-07:00

Yaoi and Zombies. Not two terms one expects to see together, unless you happen to be reading a gay zombie romance. Which I have, and it was surprisingly a little hot. And that probably says something about my psyche that I'm not going to delve too deeply into. I'll just let it lie.

Even though that's terribly hard to do, really. How do you stop thinking about that? Zombies in love. An undead love story - how does that even work? Can the nerves still feel? Can you get it up, or is it just rigormortis? Is that what being undead is like: one constant erection? Is the climax going to be figuring out how to do the deed without breaking off important bits? Eeeuuuuuw.

So, yeah. Yaoi and zombies, on the brain.

Or more precisely, Yaoi Jamboree and Zombies.

Yaoi Jamboree, for those who haven't heard of it, was a brand new Yaoi convention held in Phoenix, Arizona this year at the end of June. It was new, it had some problems and some great stuff, and I plan to go next year to see how it improves and changes, as I'm assuming it will do both. At the very least, I met a butt-load of great and interesting people.

But back to the zombies...

Have you ever seen a zombie movie? It's dark, but moonlit (because otherwise you can't see them coming and have that delicious shiver of horror). Fog crawls over the ground in writhing tendrils of skull-white. Nothing moves until the shambling undead slowly take form and come close to feast on your blood. Or eyeballs. Or that new gucci bag that you love and now wish you'd left at home so your sister could at least enjoy it after your possessions have been divvied up.

Well...that's the scene I was met with as I drove with my friend to Yaoi jamboree. Minus the zombies. We left late, well past sunset. Driving in the middle of nowhere, on backroads, we got a bit turned around. There was the mist, there was the moon, there was the complete lack of people, and the land around us looked like abandoned fields with stunted, mutant vegetation to complete the picture. No lights on the roads, and no way to tell where the nearest people might be.

Any movie maker worth his salt would have added the zombies. It almost felt like a crime not to have them shuffling along side the road.

And I said as much, to which my friend replied that I had enough trouble with not killing us when I tried to dodge the rabbits and mice that might run in front of me. It's an instinctive sort of thing. Run over the zombies, dodge the cute and furry forest critters - run off the road either way.

And of course the moment she says this, a rabbit runs in front of the car and I almost kill us swerving out of the way. And then another rabbit, and then a couple of mice. As far as I'm concerned, that was a little message from the deep beyond.

Which brings us to the moral of this story. If you're in a place that needs zombies and lacks them, be very, very careful. Because the zombies that the world decides to add to the picture may just be you. XD

Joy and Technology

2008-04-24T11:58:00.004-07:00

Today is a time of joy and happy frolic.

I have my laptop returned to me, whole and undamaged. Hallelujahs resounded within my house the moment that little brown box appeared on my doorstep.

Ignore the strange echo of furious cursing at the 'you missed our delivery time' that was left on the door the day before. It is but a distant memory. The white, glossy finish beneath my fingertips has soothed my soul, while the rhythmic tapping of computer keys and the artificial glow of the screen is calming my nerves like chamomile tea and chocolates. The heat against my thighs as I support the brittle box is a familiar, welcomed burn. My eyes squint already from overuse as I am unable to even blink in the fear that this ecstasy will disappear again and leave me alone and laptop-less.

I am a computer addict, and I accept my fate to be slouched, withered, and blind by the age of 45.

I NEED my computer like I need air. More so, because without air I'm merely a corpse. Without my computer, I go mental and then there is always the fear that other people will be the ones to die during my crazed spasm of insanity. Life is worth living again, for myself and all the innocent victims that have been spared without their even realizing their near-brush with the cold, caffeine-buzzed, hand of death.

I will now go and write with gay abandon on... well, gay abandon.

Living in the Land that Sex forgot

2008-04-18T18:26:00.003-07:00

I have a love-hate relationship with programs designed to keep minors away from 'unsuitable content' on the web.

Wait, I take that back, it's all hate. If the programs were done in such a way that I, the parent, had actual control, that would be one thing. But I have yet to see it done well; I don't know if it even CAN be done well. They have ones where I can set it up so that naked men having a wild orgy on screen = no kid views. But at the same time, can I still set it up so that hordes of nude men just walkin' around minding their own business at a nudist colony gets the designation of: sure, why the hell not? Not as far as I can tell, and that just irks my sense of individual morality.

I believe my husband calls it 'being picky as hell unless it's exactly the way you want it.'

Yeah, I can live with that.

Although I feel I have just cause to be irritated with adult filters, especially today. The worst day of the year so far. The day my laptop, my third child who never whines although periodically throws tantrums, is in the shop. Yes, I know, horrifying, isn't it? I'd almost rather lose a limb.

Although I do have another computer I can use (okay, so there is enough computer crap in my house to choke a walrus. Two words for ya: geek husband). BUT the only computer I have access to is the one with adult filters that only my husband knows the code for...and he's away at a conference and unavailable right now. Not that he'd probably even tell me the darn thing until he was home because, well, you recall the previous posts? Computer touch of death and all that? I wasn't kidding. My husband's eye will start twitching at the thought of me even breathing on a keyboard.

Hence the reason I got one of my own and usually never touch this sucker I'm on right now.

Of course, being on here, with the kid filters, means I have NO access to my daily ration of romance and erotica. And I've now had a lovely dose of looking up things for the kids with this damn filter on. It tastes a bit like arsenic, I'm fairly sure. The recent search of choice: trying to view a page on monarch butterflies. I dare you to try and look at a site with actual pictures of actual monarch butterflies, with the kid filters on. It's a pain in the ass. Apparently, these sites are horrible for kids to view because...who knows the hell why. They mention butterfly sex? Too much explicit butterfly violence? I know that's something I worry about a lot; can't be too careful with butterfly violence. It's really prevalent in the schools these days. I hear the little fluttery bastards are getting tattoos to ID themselves to other butterfly gang members and everything. Damn butterfly hooligans. You just know they were mooning the camera on purpose.

Or, hey, maybe it's gay butterflies, because there's nothing gonna get you an R rating faster than gay anything. Well, as long as its male. Two naked women molesting the crap out of each other somehow seems to get a lower rating at times than two partially clothed men simply kissing. So, obviously, two boy butterflies gettin' it on would put the ratings up over the edge into no-kids-see-this-ever. And from the trouble I had trying to find a site the filter would let me view, this must be a pretty common image of monarch butterflies. Although maybe it's just one famous boy/boy couple in the butterfly world. They're helping the cause of gay and lesbian butterflies around the world by sneaking into the background shots when entymologists try to take their pictures (so far, I understand that bi and trans-gendered butterflies are still looking for a good advocate). More power to 'em.

No matter what the reason, though, it is simply icing on the cake of my sexless, meaningless computer time. I can't have my lovely, romantic gay and straight stories, and now I'm even deprived of the brief enjoyment of gay butterfly romance too.

Shit. Guess that means I gotta go write something if I want any chance of reading about a happy ending tonight.

The rest of you, enjoy the porn that surrounds you in all its varied and marvelous forms. Read some for the Twisted. I'll live vicariously.

Returning to the Land of Sentience

2008-04-11T13:24:00.004-07:00

Sentience - you don't know what you've got 'til it's gone. And when it goes, you can hear the agonized screaming as it's dragged away. Or in my case, the sharp round of cursing after a lovely blow to the head. Followed by stars in front of the eyes - which were quite pretty, by the way - and a couple weeks of bed rest while the body tries to regain an ability to think at normal speeds and walk without dizziness.

As with many things recently, this gives an excellent opportunity to reflect on the good things in my life. Like thought. I like thought. I like having thoughts. I like even more being able to create them without losing them half-way through so that they turn into something such as: "I need to go to the kitchen...to...wow, I didn't know that was red. When did I get that? Hmmm. I'm tired. Do I have any chocolate?"

So here is my public service announcement for today.

Thoughts are our friends. Research their needs. Treat them with kindness and love. Care for their habitats and fight brain deforestation. If we're lucky, and vigilant, maybe we will still have thoughts remaining when our grandchildren have arrived on this planet. If all else fails, I believe there may be room for them to be stored in the cage for the dodos.

What the world needs now...

2008-03-29T09:00:00.004-07:00

...is a bath. Really, how long has it been since it had one? A shower, sure, it gets those all the time. But a real, nice, long soak in the tub? I imagine the world hasn't had one of those in ages. And it could probably use one. It might have to rinse off all that nasty smog and garbage and pollution scum that'll float to the top of the water, but it'd be much happier afterwards.

And that is what my brain thinks of when I have too much time on my hands.

Although my thoughts could be worse.

I could be - just theoretically, you understand - researching sex toys (It's research. I wouldn't have a choice. Situation totally beyond my control.), and then the resulting information overload could warp my teeny little brain. So that, say, when I'm listening to a child's program on tv, I hear this:

'To the butt plug!"

intead of this:

"To the book club!"

Not that this has ever happened to me or anything, of course. It simply could, and it would be worse than thinking about bathing the world. That's all I'm saying. Truly. And don't act like it's never happened to you - really, they sound almost identical. Butt plug. Book club. People mix these two up constantly. I bet book club presidents have to worry about it all the time.

"Damn, better remember not to accidentally say 'Welcome to the DiddleFop Butt Plug' today. Wasn't that embarrassing last time."

See?

And damn, wouldn't that be worth seeing? ^-^ I think I'll have to find the town of DiddleFop and move there now.

Entering New Territory

2008-03-21T12:09:00.000-07:00

...the title could so easily be made into something sexual, couldn't it? ^-^

And with that little bit of inanity, welcome to the blog of TwistedHilarity! I'm a female writer of erotic romances that involve males falling in love with other males (with a little hetero love thrown in when the mood strikes). Stories are what I enjoy most - long, involved, plot filled bundles of fun. Yea for stories with the added erotic 'oomph.'

And added to all that, I'm into the fluffy ( but not the 'furry.')

I write the fluffy, the silly, the sweet, the happy endings...with a little bit of angst and kink for contrast. Hardly even counts as kink, though, in the whole realm of kinkdom. Think of it as 'kink-lite.' Or...Fluffy Kink (see, now the title makes sense, eh?).

I look forward to discovering the wide-world of blogging.

*snicker*

Damn, let me just wipe the tears from my eyes for a moment. Those who know me have long been aware that I have the computer skills of blind hungarian moles - dead ones- and I view my forays into the internet with suspicious mutterings and wardings against the evil eye. I believe the computer views me with rather more graphic shrieks of horror and prayers for salvation.

I would ask that you not laugh too loudly at my pitiful attempts at a web presence (Sniggering is accepted, however.) You'll need me someday. Trust me. When the computers get too smart and take over the world, who's going to save you? That's right: me. TwistedHilarity, bane to all computers, eventual savior for the computer enslaved masses. Just remember that: us poor, techno-handicapped guys and gals will eventually save the world. And then we'll make a Special about it, but you'll have to read the book, because none of us know how to work the videocamera.

The stories themselves will be up before too long, at TwistedHilarity.com, but until then, I hope you all have an enjoyable day and read something that makes you laugh out loud.