Wednesday, December 24, 2008

It's beginning to feel a lot like Gremlins

I believe in gremlins.  Truly. Airplane gremlins, garden hose gremlins, apple tree gremlins, and most especially evil, sneaky-ass computer gremlins, who creep in at night to switch parts inside of my computer so that I can press the 'on'  button and make it explode in some virtual manner that - and I quote - the computer geniuses have 'never seen before.'

There's only so many times one can hear that phrase before you start to believe in either curses or computer gremlins.  Not that those around me are true believers, not yet.  They still have some foolish idea that all my computer issues are related to something that I did.  How silly.  Computer gremlins is a much more logical explanation, don't you think?

I now take pictures.  My computer dies, I take pictures of its death throws, and then when I take the computer to the gurus, I can show them my photo evidence so they know that even if it is currently behaving normally, my computer is actually carrying a demon seed of doom inside of it, just waiting to get out.

I believe that demon seed may have spawned concussion gremlins in my own home, actually.  I cannot think of any other explanation for the string of concussions that have attacked me recently: three in the past two months.  I feel like I need to start wearing a helmet and a sign - Please do not poke. Head may explode.

My friend's hubby has offered to buy me water wings so that I can eat my soup without fear of drowning. 

Well, at least when the computer gremlins and concussion gremlins collude, I don't have to worry about the screen setting up a seizure or something, eh?  No, instead, I get to rediscover the reason I love computers: my handwriting sucks.  Oh, does it suck.

If my handwriting were a whore, it could retire on the money it would make on blow-jobs, I swear. 

Fortunately for me, my computer has now been temporarily purged of its gremlin infestation and seems to be working for the moment.  My head is recovering from the ladder dropped on it(C'mon, doesn't that SOUND like a gremlin?  You know it does! ).  And now I get to celebrate my holidays by lounging around recovering while my husband has to cook and clean and watch the kids on his vacation.

It makes me wonder if I could hire out these gremlins to a few other deserving moms and employees with too much to do. A new money making scheme to help us get by in this economy: rent-a-gremlin.  Want a little time to rest?  Rent-a-gremlin can guarantee you'll be flat on  your ass within minutes. No money back guarantee.

But don't piss them off or they'll pee in your Christmas cake, the little buggers.

Have a great Holiday, everyone.  Hope you are safe, happy, employed, and enjoying the company of friends or family this time of year!